New Date for Santa?

Dear Santa,

I have enclosed a petition to move Christmas from December to March. I think you’ll find my reasoning sound and if you agree, please implement this change as soon as possible.

December is cold. Okay so December and March are similar in terms of temperature, but in December it’s getting cold, we’re not used to it yet and the cold makes us miserable. Grouchiness does not help the Christmas Spirit. In March, it’s getting warm again. When the temperature reaches the thirties again, we contemplate going outside without bundling into our fluffy and stuffy coats. We’re all excited with the anticipation of spring. We’d anticipate it even more if the equinox brought gifts under the tree!

Speaking of trees, millions and millions of trees die every year to spread joy and pine needles through our homes. There’s really no way around that, we like our trees. We love them to death, even. but if Christmas were in spring, we could give back and in exchange for the tree we kill, we can plant new ones to continue the cycle of life, death, and pine needles in our socks.

As we have learned from the retail outlets of the world, Christmas is not a day, it’s a season. Currently, according to our store displays, Christmas starts on the day after Labor Day. That’s almost four months of colorful lights and red and white stripes. If Christmas were in March, it would brighten the entire winter from Thanksgiving to the equinox.

Currently, there are just too many other holidays in the middle of the Christmas Season. Halloween, the second biggest consumer holiday, interrupts early Christmas preparations and Thanksgiving makes us all fat just a little too close to when we have to feast again for Christmas.

I’ve heard that snow is required for reindeer to fly. Good News, it still snows in March, at least this far north. Maybe the lack of snow in places like San Diego prevents your visits there, which explains why Hollywood constantly makes movies claiming you’re a myth, but one that exists in spirit. Those of us in the snowy climes know better. I’d certainly never actually buy a toy that doesn’t take batteries. You are really the only explanation of where such toys come from.

Also, Spring is not Deer Hunting Season, so we can avoid such mistakes as the Prancer incident. Are the elves getting better at prosthetics? The landing on my roof last years was a bit rough.

It would also be most convenient if, while augmenting your chimney diving and stocking stuffing with my own contributions, I could buy said contributions with my Tax Refund. While we all love the little wooden toys, I understand Apple has not given your elves the rights to make i-anythings. I-anythings are expensive and everyone wants three. I could more easily budget for such nice gifts if Christmas followed tax season. I know some people actually pay taxes at this time of year, but, honestly, the people that pay wait until April 15th to file and that’s a long time after the new proposed date for Christmas. There’s nothing like gifts and reindeer to take our minds off of paying taxes, right?

I understand a certain rabbit has launched a counter campaign to this one. Mr. Cottontail feels such a change would encroach on his holiday. There are valid arguments to move Easter to the winter solstice. Chocolate doesn’t melt at winter temperatures so we could get larger quantities and keep them longer. Mr. Cottontail does not agree with my assessment and you’ll probably get a letter from him soon. Just a warning when you open his accompanying gift box, those aren’t raisins.

To summarize: Winter is too cold for Christmas, but Christmas is good for winter. Tax Refunds make Christmas happier. Send Peter packing. Move Christmas to the first day of Spring.

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About wilogden

Wil Ogden was destined to be a wastrel but thwarted fate. During his second junior year in high school he discovered he had a muse and a talent for writing. Despite taking almost a decade to complete a bachelor's degree by changing majors eleven times, he managed to grow up. Along the way he worked as a blacksmith, a record store manager, a candy store manager, too many years in food service, a four year stint in the USAF, and finally settled down into Information Technology, which he uses to pay the bills and support his family of himself, his wife, son, seven daughters, two dogs, three cats, six chickens, a snake, a ferret and two parakeets.

Posted on November 28, 2011, in Christmas, Tripe. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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