In further efforts to make our nation’s music and literature acceptable to the sensitive minds of our youth, I propose we make the following changes to some of our nation’s literary and musical works:
“Over There”, a historically significant song popular during World War I repeatedly uses a three-letter word starting with G that has come be synonymous with homosexual. Since Homosexuality is not an issue our children should be aware of until they are well past their child-rearing years themselves, we should change all occurrences of the G-word with “Awake”. The meaning is slightly altered, perhaps improved, but the rhyme stays mostly intact.
Harper Lee’s To Kill a Mockingbird is arguably the best book of the 20th Century. However, it uses the n-word recently removed from the best books of the 19th century. Rather than wait another hundred years, we should get on with changing this book now. While cleansing it we should remove all references to race and sex. It wouldn’t change the book at all, except for the better.
And though Orwell’s 1984 is not technically American Literature, it has been a staple in secondary education. It has a distinctive anti-technology feel to it that can only cause our children trauma in today’s age of the internet and cameras at every intersection. Therefore all references to the technology should be replaced with aliens. It’s fine for our children to grow up wary that aliens may be used to remove their natural rights to individual thought. We don’t want them to be afraid that technology could be used for that purpose.
Non-Satirical paragraph: I have to wonder why Wikipedia actually has a category page titled: Novels by Harper Lee.