Cleansing Our Curriculums

 The Age of Aquarius is long gone. We can now do away with the entire hippie agenda in our educational system. Rather than educating our youth in the complexities of life in the age of our founding fathers, we should clarify that those men who forged our Constitution were heroes, perfect in every way.

George Washington never saw the Native Americans as a beast of prey. He didn’t fight both with and against them in the French and Indian war. (For folks outside the US, that’s the Seven Year’s War) Our youth never need to learn things like George Washington once suffered a humiliating defeat due to his inexperience and hubris. It never happened. He never constructed a fort at the base of a hill in a valley with poor visibility; that would have been dumb. Since there is no way to talk about that without being critical, we must simply not talk about it. His time as a British Colonial Colonel (Not the same as a British Regular Colonel, which always irked G.W.) has nothing to do with the man who would become our First President under the current Constitution. Likewise they don’t need to know that, as President, he ordered the removal of dozens of native towns. Note that I didn’t say relocation. All they need to know is he was a hero and he was perfect.

There is no proof that Thomas Jefferson ever had an affair with any of his slaves. (For Texans, since they’ve renamed the slave trade in their curriculum to “Atlantic Triangular Trade”, does that make slaves “Atlantic triangles”?) That DNA testing has shown that Sally Hemmings’ youngest son, Eston’s descendants bear Jefferson family markers is not proof as there were 24 other male Jeffersons in the area at the time of Eston’s creation. While in the age of hippies, we came to understand that any relationship between a superior and his worker is at the least, compelled, if not forced, we can just skip discussing the whole thing because it never happened. Thomas Jefferson’s possession of Atlantic triangles is unimportant and not worthy of discussion. Details such as that he wanted to ban the ownership of Atlantic triangles in the constitution, that he still continued to own Atlantic triangles, even taking some with him to the white house, and that he eventually illegalized the import of Atlantic triangles. only go to making Thomas Jefferson a complex human being. Complex is confusing. All we need to know about Mr. Jefferson is that he was a hero and everything he did was perfect.

We must be careful in implementing the new and improved American History. While we can use our influence to decide not to buy textbooks that don’t follow the simpler History curriculum, we can’t keep teachers from asking children to report on the relationship between Natives and Early American Government or any politician and slav…er… Atlantic triangles. Therefore, so that in doing independent research students will only find our new improved truth, all sources which could verify that our founding fathers were not perfect in every way should be purged. Books make good fuel to help keep home heating bills down. Also be sure to include any book which mentions the contributions of non-male or non-white historical figures as these may impede our understanding that this country was founded by perfect European Caucasian men.

Just as eliminating fractions and decimals from math in some places has increased math scores, eliminating a robust history in favor of simple idolization will increase our history test scores. Therefore, our children will be smarter.

Non-satirical paragraph. The preceding paragraphs should not be taken at face value. Fact Check: The fort mentioned in the George Washington paragraph is Fort Necessity.  The Thomas Jefferson, Sally Hemmings’ affair is currently accepted as conjecture and without actual hard proof, for the reasons stated above. Build your own opinion, knowing those, and other facts. Texas does require the textbook writers to change all references of “slave trade” to “Atlantic triangle trade”. Tea Party members have requested that Tennessee change its curriculum, among other changes, so that “No portrayal of minority experience in the history which actually occurred shall obscure the experience or contributions of the Founding Fathers, or the majority of citizens, including those who reached positions of leadership.” I know I could have stayed focused more on the anti-minority sentiment, but I would have lost the comparison to the dumb math curriculums, and I really wanted to include that. I’m going to pass credit to Nick Wind of The Huffington Post for bringing the Texas issues into this discussion.  I used an article by him as a starting point in the tidbits of research I did on this.

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About wilogden

Wil Ogden was destined to be a wastrel but thwarted fate. During his second junior year in high school he discovered he had a muse and a talent for writing. Despite taking almost a decade to complete a bachelor's degree by changing majors eleven times, he managed to grow up. Along the way he worked as a blacksmith, a record store manager, a candy store manager, too many years in food service, a four year stint in the USAF, and finally settled down into Information Technology, which he uses to pay the bills and support his family of himself, his wife, son, seven daughters, two dogs, three cats, six chickens, a snake, a ferret and two parakeets.

Posted on January 17, 2011, in Satire, Tripe. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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