Party Line Sheep

The time has come to choose sides.

In prior elections, voters would weigh the individual issues and then be forced to choose the lesser of two or more evils by selecting which candidate most closely represented their views on the issues.

In recent years this is no longer an option.

Gone are the candidates who could not commit to toe the party line. Today there are two sides to every issue and a politician’s stance on one will dictate their stance on the others. This is party line politics and simplifies the political process significantly.

A Republican that makes it to the ticket will and must be against marriage rights for homosexuals, against abortion and against affordable healthcare. A Democrat must be pro marriage rights for homosexuals, pro choice and believe in the single payer healthcare system.

If you match on two of the three issues, you must alter your opinion to also match on the third. Again this is just the way it must be, to simplify the process. Once all the people have chosen their allegiance, we will no longer need to go anywhere to vote. Votes can be assumed and simply aggregated by census counts come election days. Rather than going through the trouble to attend a polling place, the American citizen can merely stay home and enjoy television specifically tailored to the majority. We’ll save taxpayer money by no longer requiring the expenses of ballots or polling place rental.

Additionally, Republicans must be anti-science and denounce global warming and evolution. Democrats, on the same issues must eschew the use of petroleum products and be sworn atheists.

A simple polling of politicians discovered that politicians of both parties sought to lower taxes and stimulate job growth and that their methods for doing so were indistinguishable from the other. The determining factor on whether a politician would vote on the bill was simply the political affiliation of the person who introduced the bill.

Simplification of the American democratic process has created a diminished need for cognitive thought in politicians. Measuring a given issue against party line position is a simple task that a trained monkey can do. However, since monkeys cannot be citizens and are thus ineligible for national office, we’ll continue the practice we use today of selecting our lawmakers from people who were too lacking in cognitive capability to find success in the private sector. Since we already know how they will vote due to their political party, we can streamline government processes as well. When an issue is brought up, it will simply pass or fail based on the balance of the political parties in congress. This should increase efficiency in policy making by two thousand percent.

So, please continue the current trends of the American population and divulge yourself of any ideal that does not fully follow the party line ideology. Make America the most efficient simple Ochlocracy in the world.


About wilogden

Wil Ogden was destined to be a wastrel but thwarted fate. During his second junior year in high school he discovered he had a muse and a talent for writing. Despite taking almost a decade to complete a bachelor's degree by changing majors eleven times, he managed to grow up. Along the way he worked as a blacksmith, a record store manager, a candy store manager, too many years in food service, a four year stint in the USAF, and finally settled down into Information Technology, which he uses to pay the bills and support his family of himself, his wife, son, seven daughters, two dogs, three cats, six chickens, a snake, a ferret and two parakeets.

Posted on November 2, 2010, in Satire, Tripe and tagged . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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