We are a civilized society with no more need of superstition and a dire need to protect our children from knowing fear. Citing the works of several highly regarded couch dwelling theological psyciometrists, it has been determined that Halloween might expose our children to an emotion they should reserve only for the Almighty: fear.
Children, being fragile and easily manipulated by imagery should not be exposed to death at any age. Death is frightening even to adults, why should we allow our children to understand it or in their exposure to it, fear it. We should therefore do away with the imagery associated with Halloween. Ghosts and skeletons should be relegated to where they belong, buried and forgotten. Witches – have we learned nothing from the Inquisition and our glorious days of early American society – should be burned! Vampires are heresy – we only allow for one being to be raised from the dead before Judgment Day and he didn’t have fangs or drink blood. We drink His.
So starting this year we are putting Halloween where it belongs – in history.
October 31st will no longer see goblins or anyone else running around the streets. It will henceforth simply be the day before All Saints Day.
But, panic not. There is still a day to go door to door begging for treats. Beginning this year, on November 18th, the birthday of the new holiday’s namesake, we shall be celebrating Elmo’s Candy Begging Day. On this day we shall dress in fully licensed merchandise as our favorite children’s character and go door to door and beg for candy, perhaps offering a joyous song in return. This activity shall be titled “Treat for Treating” and will do away with the threat of tricks.
We shall from this day forward never again allow our children to even know of death. We will not teach them to face their fears. We feel fear for a reason. If we teach them to stand up to that which they do not understand they will be forever scarred. With the dismantling of Halloween, we can ensure that when faced with the unknown or the frightening our children will assume the correct protective position of cowering in the corner and weeping pitifully. This will protect them from harm, most assuredly.
So spread the word, Elmo’s Candy Begging Day is coming.*
*pending approval from Sesame Workshop.
Satire: A literary technique of writing or art which principally ridicules its subject often as an intended means of provoking or preventing change. Humor is often used to aid this. I feel ludicrous sticking this onto this bit of writing, but I fear there are some folks out there that might just think this was a serious idea. Apologies to Sesame Workshop. I know they would never support such a moronic idea.