Top Ten Worst Costume Ideas.

Continuing with the Halloween theme this week:

I’m firmly in the opinion that Halloween costumes should be creatures of the night. Witches, Demons and the undead should roam the streets. But, I’m a realist and, understanding that the tradition is now more accepting of pop-culture costumes, I’ve decided to limit the costumes I shall be disdainful of to a short list.

I normally hand out full sized Snickers on Halloween. Sometimes I offer the choice of a Snickers, Milky Way or 3Mustekeers. Show up at my door in one of the following and you’ll get a toothbrush.

10) Your own personal MMORPG character.

There are simpler geek costumes out there. Halloween is not Comic-Con or Blizz-Con. Even people that play MMORPGs will pretend not to understand what you’re dressed as for fear of being recognized for their geekdom. This year, I especially don’t want to see that 350 pound couch tumor down the street dressed as his female night-elf druid. If I never again see someone grab a full sized candy bar from my candy dish and toss it straight in his mouth only to spit out the wrapper as he walks away, it will be too soon.

Its okay to dress as a fantasy character, but keep it a little generic. When someone asks, are you some kind of elf, just say yes and walk away. Don’t explain the details, they asked a yes or no question because they only wanted a one word answer.

9) Ninja.

Dress all in black and carry a fake sword. So overdone. And with such a simple dress code you won’t stand out at all. If you need to carry a sword, go with Pirate. At least they can individualize and are not limited to a single color. Even the numerous Jack Sparrows each have their own take on the character. If you insist on being a Ninja, be a little cool about it and make it a turtle too. If you’re a teenager, you’re too old for even that. And if you’re a mutant…I can’t help you.

8 ) Any costume where the mask is a thin form molded plastic P.O.S. with holes for your eyes and nose and is held on by a thin rubber band.

It’s not the 70’s anymore. And honestly, these masks are not safe and they’re certainly not comfortable.

7) A relative.

Your family may appreciate the inside joke, but inside jokes should be kept inside.

6) Old people.

A little powder in the hair, suspenders and cane, and voila, the 9 year old is now 90. Boo-wait-for-it-ring. It’s All Hallows Eve. If you’re going to depict someone who’s 90 years older than you, go for just a little more effort and add another few years to your costume. Preferably to a more post-mortem look. The elderly are not amusing costumes until after they croak.

5) An injured person.

A bloody bandage is not amusing on an otherwise healthy character. As with #6, it’s not going an extra mile, but merely inches to step the costume up to a recent fatality.

4) A character that could be mistaken for a normal person on the street.

If the person you’re dressed as doesn’t require a prop or a unique recognizable style, it’s not a costume. Dressing up as a character that will only be recognizable after you run through a skit of impressions is a stage act, not a Trick or Treat costume.

3) A character from a novel.

If it hasn’t been made into a movie, no one will recognize you. Without a visual depiction, two people reading the same novel will have different impressions of what the character would look like. If you have to explain your costume to every single person you meet, its a fail. Novels that have been made into movies might be an exception to this rule.

2) Religious Heroes.

Saints, prophets, etc. Unless you’re John the Baptist after Salome’s request has been fulfilled, its just not very Halloweeny. The Saint’s have their day and it’s a very short wait after Halloween.

1) Jesus H. Effing Christ.

There’s already a day where people in several parts of the world dress up like JC. Only they take a step further than anyone does on Halloween. I say; if you’re not actually going to nail yourself to a cross or have a friend do it for you, don’t bother. If you are, wait till Good Friday.

For the record, the middle names are added in the time honored tradition to avoid actually invoking God junior’s name. Blasphemy is a no-no.

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