Top Ten Jobs for Vampires

Let’s face reality, not all vampires are living unliving on the compound interest on investments they made a century ago. While it may seem vampires can save money on their food bills and don’t generally have to feed a ten dollar a day night Starbucks addiction, having a bit of money to throw around makes attracting prey much easier.

Of course, the downside to having a job is there is less time to hunt for the night’s blood puppet. The upsides are far more numerous. While encased in their tombs for the day with little to do, the vampire with income can afford cable and possibly even a nice large flat screen TV to help pass the time. Also, prey won’t be as objectionable to be brought home to a plush penthouse with poshly black tinted windows as they would an abandoned basement with tinfoil glued to the windows.

A nice car is a little less intimidating than being whooshed into the night sky. Sure flying is romantic, but in the day to day night-to-night need for blood most vampires know from experience that screams of terror are more common than a blissful anticipation of the neck nip. Every minute spent before having to reveal the true nature of the vampire gives them more time to charm their prey. A properly wooed human is less likely to scream. A nice long drive allows a better chance to lull the human or seduce them.

To afford such luxuries, especially in the food-dense metropolitan areas, many vampires are finding a need to increase their income. While having unholy strength and ungodly speed may seem to make a life an unlife of crime an option, it does leave a trail that could reveal the secret of vampires’ existence. Humans don’t want to know vampires really do exist because they’d panic at the realization that they are not the top of the food chain. Vampires don’t want said panic because humans would hunt them and do so during the day. Ironically, the incredibly high ratio of humans required to produce a constant food source for the comparatively small number of vampires creates a huge advantage in numbers for the humans if it ever came to a war between the two species.

Nine to five jobs are problematic because, as all vampires know, sunlight causes conflagration and not just annoying sparkles. The aptly named graveyard shift offers opportunities to those who can only leave the protections of their crypts (or houses as most modern vampires prefer to live) when the sun is below the horizon. Here is the list of jobs that are best suited to night crawlers:

1) Medical Specialist.

This may be a nurse, a medical technician or even a trauma surgeon working at an ER. Doctor is not really the best option here. Becoming an actual doctor without ever drawing a daylight shift or class may be tricky, and the constant smell of blood might overwhelm the self control of a vampire surgeon. A medical technician is virtually ignored in a hospital. Lab orders are handed off and eye contact is rarely made. The additional benefit of ample close blood supplies puts this at the top of the list. The economical fluorescent lighting of most hospitals makes everyone appear to have a deathly pallor, so vampires don’t stand out.

2) Computer Operations.

This is second on the list because it has a high pay scale. Another benefit to this job is that, for the vampire that can overcome the need to sleep during the day, this job most often takes place in rooms without windows. Corporations reserve their windows for their managers’ and executives’ offices and conference rooms where they impress clients. This puts the tech geeks down in the basement or in internal offices with no exposure to annoying sunlight. Another side bonus: Geeks are expected to have pale skin.

2) Dispatcher.

Logistics are ongoing in the world, twenty four hours a day. Someone is keeping track where all those trucks, trains, boats and planes are. For a small company the dispatcher might work alone on their shift. The largest companies keep their dispatchers in bomb-proof bunkers. Anything that is bomb-proof is usually light proof as well. These jobs also pay premium rates because of how vital they are to the profits of the logistics companies.

3) Cab Driver.

Still have that thick soviet block accent? This is not a problem for a cab driver. A good metro area can support thousands of cabbies for the overnight hours. The plentitude of drunks after last call makes the hunt for prey a bit easier. Alcohol is a blood thinner and makes feeding easier. The drunk mind is much easier to manipulate to make the victim forget that they donated a pint of blood from their aorta.

4) Hotel Clerk.

Decent hotels keep someone at the desk all night to answer calls for new pillows, towels and to attend to the late arrivals and early departures. Access to the hotel master key provides an array of choices for the evening meal.

5) Casino Worker.

These twenty four hour operations need all types of workers from dealers to cocktail servers at all hours. An unscrupulous vamp might even pick their prey from the winners and help their self to a bat’s share.

6) Nightclub/Bar worker.

Bad lighting and ample supply of drunks would seem like the ideal place, but there are very few gigs that pay more than a pittance. Patience of the dead to build experience can lead to a job where the nightly tip amounts contain commas.

7) Private Detective.

The ability to turn down non-ideal cases can prevent the need to ever work in daylight. This job offers plenty of opportunities to become friendly with the types of people no one will miss if a vampire has a tendency to overeat.

8 ) Police Detective

A regular police officer has to attend the academy and that’s not something offered indoors or only at night. An online college degree can bypass the academy and several years as a flatfoot. This is a government job and governments must make near-heroic efforts to accommodate people with disabilities like photosensitivity. The benefit of this over Private Detective is the steady paycheck, but at the cost of having to answer to a supervisor and enforced minimum work hours per week.

9) Mechanical Repair.

Factories often run twenty four hours a day. All those machines require constant repair and maintenance. This bullet might also include factory workers, but the mechanics are paid more.

10) Janitorial Staff.

Most companies have the people that clean the building working only when the people that make the money for the business are not. There’s no glamour in this job, but often no supervision either.

Jobs that seem ideal but may not be:

1) Firefighter.

Being significantly more flammable than humans makes working close to flames a bad idea.

2) Convenience Store Clerk.

If they dayshift worker is late, the morning sun streaming through the windows may leave a vamp worker steaming, literally.

3) Morgue worker or coroner.

Good hours, no chance of sunlight, but an onlooker might immediately notice the similarity in a vampire’s pallor to that of the corpse on the metal table.

AUTHORS NOTE: I wrote this long before I wrote any of my vampire novels, so this isn’t some lame marketing ploy. This blog post dates to October 2010. My first vampire novel, Second Blood, was published May 2013. Since you’ve read this far, you just might be the curious type and might want to know about my novels. You can find out more about these novels here: currently-available-published-works

PS: It only took me four years after writing novels about vampires to realize this post might be a good place to mention it. Authors Note and PS added April 2017.

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About wilogden

Wil Ogden was destined to be a wastrel but thwarted fate. During his second junior year in high school he discovered he had a muse and a talent for writing. Despite taking almost a decade to complete a bachelor's degree by changing majors eleven times, he managed to grow up. Along the way he worked as a blacksmith, a record store manager, a candy store manager, too many years in food service, a four year stint in the USAF, and finally settled down into Information Technology, which he uses to pay the bills and support his family of himself, his wife, son, seven daughters, two dogs, three cats, six chickens, a snake, a ferret and two parakeets.

Posted on October 1, 2010, in Rancid Tripe. Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.

  1. Astronomer perhaps? It’s good pay, they work at night if you’re in observation, and it can feed an intellectual side of any long lived vampire. I’m sure it would be tiresome living forever, but Astronomy would keep them focused. They may also enjoy the aspect of advancing civilization, since in a way it increases the survival of their flock and he or she is able to see where things may be going. Astronomers also have a different sense of the scale of time. So any blunders in the vampires mindset on the realities of current events. He would be forgiven when he pronounces his astronomical profession

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